A Thought for the Day - August 8, 2023

It’s been a long summer. My children are school-aged, my son only for another four years, my daughter for six. In six years, my wife and I will have adult children—whatever that means. But, because they are under our care, summer is often the time we take the most trips since they are off of school.

I looked forward to some time away this summer; time to rest and rejuvenate. It didn’t come. Mostly grief got in the way. My life is mostly given to the Divine. I hold pieces back; I have not surrendered myself completely. I hope one day I do. But still my life is mostly God’s to guide and control, which is just another way of saying my life is Love’s to guide and control.

This summer has been a lot of grief. I love being a part of a small church where when one dies, we all grieve. The deaths in the church hurt. Then, when the services are over, and most of us are moving on with our lives, I get to still walk alongside those who are hurting. I get to still hurt too. I don’t get to move on so quickly.

But the grief hasn’t just been in church. I lost a friend this summer. I lost a grandmother this summer. I couldn’t make my friend’s service. I won’t make my grandmother’s service. I have another funeral I’m doing the day after my grandmother’s, and I can’t be two places at once, however badly I wish I could.

I hate that I can’t make her service. Had I been able to I would have been one of the officiants, but that isn’t why I hate I can’t make it. I hate I can’t make it because I want the ritual collective act of grief that is a funeral. I want it because it is healing, and hard, and beautiful. I won’t get that.

But the grief is real. I’m not my usual self. Such is grief. Coupled with my children being the ages the are; full of sports, and school, and friends, and life that requires parental involvement (and I want to be involved because I only get so much more time with them) I feel like I’m not doing so much else.

I haven’t been able to do so much I’d hoped to do. I haven’t had the time. In the moments when I’ve had some time, I simply want to be, to not be busy because everything feels so busy anyway. And, I want to grieve, I have to grieve.

Grief is so weird, so terribly hard, and so tragically needed. To not move on as nothing is lost is part of grief. Yes, the world moves on, creation goes on, but I am realizing that most of the people I had as mentors, guides, and teachers… they’re gone. This moment was bound to come but knowing that doesn’t take away the sting of its reality. We are all allowed to live into the sting, and to let ourselves hurt.

My kids are starting school next week. High school and middle school; we’ve aged out of elementary school. I am aware that all too soon they won’t be kids in my house anymore. Perhaps I’m grieving that too.

I’m not myself. I’ve lost people I will miss. I’m walking with some who are broken by who they miss. I’m wanting to make sure that I don’t make some of the mistakes I’ve made by not enjoying the time I have with my children. I’m grieving and it still doesn’t make sense no matter how many panels I sit on about being “an expert in grief” (which is laughable).

Maybe you’re not feeling yourself either. Maybe you’re grieving; grieving the loss of a loved one, the end of a stage of life, your own inability to do things like you once did, or whatever else. That’s okay. The world moves on yes, and we are allowed to hurt as it does. The shortest verse in the Bible is “Jesus wept.” Thank God. And please forgive me if I’m not myself for a while. I need some time to weep… there is a time to weep (the Bible says that too).

With hope,
Garrett